Most college essay blog posts tell applicants what topics avoid: sports stories, mission trips, breakups. There are tons of books that provide tips and best practices writing your college essays.

I’ve never seen a list of recommendations to universities on crafting the most effective essay topics. Many universities request submissions on reasonable topics like your first choice major, a leadership experience, or an obstacle you’ve overcome.

Some essay topics are silly, ridiculous, and downright wacky. Two years ago, Auburn asked applicants how they feel about Mondays. Who gives a damn?

Why doesn’t anyone call out universities for their terrible prompts?

Consider this by-no-means exhaustive list of the top ten most absurd essay questions.

number 10: Penn State Schreyer Honors

Clocking in at almost 5,000 words worth of essays, applicants must answer nine prompts in total, including “what is effective followership?” and reflect on the statement: “get comfortable with being uncomfortable.”

Penn State Honors clever attempt to turn upside down conventional essay topics about leadership misses the mark. Redditors rightly mocked FoLlOwErShIp, resulting in at least a few prospective students who refused to apply.

Could you imagine Harvard law asking applicants to reflect on “followership?”

I hope at least one applicant wrote about holding in their pee on a long car trip when responding to getting comfortable with being uncomfortable

Number 9: The University of Southern California

I will make an entire post about USC’s inane and cumbersome application process and essay requirements. It’s safe to say they’re trying too hard to escape Stanford and Cal Tech’s shadow under the mistaken assumption that Imposing ridiculous essay questions will elevate their prestige.

Their list of ten questions are infamously stupid. Has “what’s your favorite snack?” or “what’s your life’s theme song?” ever been a deciding factor in one’s admissions? I doubt it.

Consider that Lori Laughlin “donated” enough money to supply every USC undergrad with a pack of Oreo Minis every day for seventy days, definitely at least someone’s favorite snack. Elite families pay bribes and take admissions shortcuts while you have to write stupid essays.

Number 8: The University of Wyoming

Wyoming admits 96% of their applicants. That doesn’t stop them from requiring the Common Application essay and a supplement that asks: Why Wyoming?

But seriously… Why would anyone Wyoming?

Number 7: the University of Georgia

They ask applicants to “tell us an amusing story.” Their, to quote their own words, “attempt to make the admissions process less stressful” produces the opposite effect because literally no other university requires this essay topic. That didn’t stop more than 20,000 Fall 2021 students from applying early, a 25% increase from the previous year. UGA’s fun topic is a testament that universities can erect any barriers and students will still jump over them.

Number 6: Pomona College

It was tempting to rank this first. I put it in the middle of the pack because it’s one option among three.

Pomona College asks the Big Question: in 50 words, what’s your favorite way to eat a potato?

My Dutch girlfriend didn’t believe this was an actual question. Imagine if Stanford’s medical school asked aspiring neurosurgeons whether they prefer mashed or fried.

Number 5: the University of Virginia

They propose the peculiar challenge to describe your favorite word in 250 words. If no favorite word comes to mind, maybe you can try your luck with an alternative prompt to “share one of your quirks.”

One client sums up the UVA options perfectly, “These prompts SUCK.”

Number 4: Texas A&M Engineering Honors

I’m certain that they received the worst responses of any topic on this list. In 250 words:

“Describe the internet to somebody from the 19th century and how it is useful to address something you care about. Include who you are telling and why you decided to share the information that you did.”

Nevermind that Wikipedia’s entry for “internet” is over 15,000 words. Students wrote letters to Thomas Jefferson, Samuel Morse, and “Dear Great Great Grandpa in some random Sri Lankan village…”

3. Kentucky Honors and Scholarships

One of the most challenging parts of answering college essays is figuring out what in the hell they’re asking. Kentucky Honors and Scholarship essay asks:

“Who are three people that you feel have made a significant impact on the world in the last 100 years? Who are they and why did you select them? How would you want them to be recognized or memorialized?”

Rather than just asking about a person of influence or your dream dinner party guests, deeply-conservative Kentucky asks students to walk through a Confederate Statue minefield. You can’t go wrong with KFC’s Colonel Sanders holding a Double Down.

Number 2: USC (Again)

They have a few contenders to make this top ten. With so many terrible major-specific essay questions, I’ve settled on the engineering and computer science:

“Engineering and Computer Science students are sometimes assumed to have personalities with shared traits or characteristics. What is a trait or characteristic you believe you share with other engineering and computer science students and another where you differ? Please tell us about these two traits and why you chose them” (250 words).

Nobody knows how to answer this question.

It seems that USC wants applicants to assert nerd and geek stereotypes and how they are or aren’t nerdy and geeky. My advice to students is, if an essay topic is totally dumb, it may not be worth spending $70,000 a year for their education.

Number 1: The University of Chicago

To the surprise of no college admissions veterans, University of Chicago’s downright wacky essays come in at number 1. I credit Chicago for staying consistent with their madness.

For the past 30 or so years, they offer student-submitted essay questions, including, “Describe your own take on the Quadrivium or the Trivium” and “what’s so odd about odd numbers?”

A top comment on one Reddit thread elicited an honest response. “My UChicago essay was a hot piece of pseudo-intellectual trash.” Essay garbage in, arbitrary admissions decisions out.

Some advice for your next college fair or campus visit, if you’re feeling bold.

Politely ask of the representative to justify their silly and vague essay topic or clarify inconsistent application guidelines. Don’t let them get away with their crimes against general sensibility and your wellbeing. And also, asking questions that break the mold may help you leave a positive impression. College fairs for university representatives are so boring because we hear the same ten questions over and over. Being even slightly different may help your admissions chances.